I'm Still Here

Sorry it has been so long since I wrote. It has actually been over a year! I don't have much to say, but I am alive! So much has changed in one year. We are working on an adoption now! My boys are 6 and about to be 9! Something I have been working on lately is my patience. So I figured if I talk about anything, it should be patience.

Patience is not something you are given. It is a gift you are taught. God doesn't just hand it over. He teaches us what to do with it. And it takes practice! I have not had enough practice yet. I want this adoption process to be over and have our baby/babies in our arms and home with us. But the Bible says in Galatians 5:22 "But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; There is no law against these things! Those that belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there." So, learning patience is just a sign that the Holy Spirit is working in our lives.

My family and I recently went on a mission trip to Costa Rica where I shared my testimony with some wonderful girls. I thought I would share that today. I met my husband when I was 15. We dated up until college where we broke up so I could date. I began to drink a lot. I mean a lot. I think it is safe to say I became addicted to it. One night, I was getting ready to go on a date with a guy and he slipped something in my drink. He told my friends, since I couldn't even stand on my own, that I was too drunk to go to the club we were going to. He took me to his apartment and raped me. I began to feel this hole in my chest. I thought that if I got back with my ex-boyfriend, it would fix it. So I did. That was around September, 2003. By December 2003, I was engaged to be married. I figured, getting married would fix it, right? We were married May 15, 2004. That didn't fix it. I don't regret getting married, it just didn't feel that hole. We decided to have a baby. That would fix it, right? In September, 2006 we had our first son. That didn't fix it. It just became more stressful. Don't get me wrong, I DO NOT regret having my son. It just didn't feel that hole in my chest I was trying to fill. I ended up looking outside the marriage. I felt so bad for what I had done, I couldn't face my husband. I decided to commit suicide. I was talked out of it and went home. I suffered from depression horribly. I wasn't able to tell my husband what I had done. So we decided to have another baby. In July 2009, we had our second son. While I was pregnant, I told my husband some of what I had done, but not all of it. Needless to say, it got more stressful and harder on our marriage. But he stayed. We moved and decided to try going to church. We didn't like the life we were living and wanted better for our sons. We went and within 6 months later, we were baptized. I told my husband everything. You know what he said to me? He said, "If I hadn't have found God, I don't think I could have forgiven you, but I did and I do." Ever since I found God, that hole in my chest has been filled. Sure, I still find myself looking for something to fill that hole every now and then, but then I realize it's already been filled.

So, you can see through my hardships, that God had a plan all along. When I told these girls my story, one girl stood out to me. I always wear this bracelet with my favorite scripture on it and I had decided to give it to her to help her through her trials too. She cried, which made me cry. We can't always see the light at the end of the tunnel and we don't know where the road leads most of the time, but we can have patience and faith and know that God will use our trials and hardships for His purpose and it will turn out for the good.

Lean on Him

Why is it that when things get rough we forget to praise God, but when things are going great we remember? I suffer from anxiety and depression and when things get hard, I tend to forget to pray, forget to thank God for everything he has done and is doing in my life, and I tend to blame God for the anxiety and depression! These feelings are never from God! But God does want us to learn to lean on him when we are having these feelings.

Isaiah 41:10 says "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." Look at those words a little more carefully. "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand." He is with you. He is YOUR God. He will give you strength and help you. He will hold you up when you can't do so by yourself. He will carry you!

We have seen pictures and paintings of Jesus carrying someone or holding someone up, right? Well, what if you believed that is true? Have you lost someone you didn't think you could live without? Do you suffer from pain on a daily basis? Do you have depression and feel overwhelmingly like this world is passing you by and you are all alone to deal with all the struggles and pain it brings to your door? Imagine that picture. Put yourself in place of that person in that painting. God holds us up when we can't stand anymore. There are only one set of footprints in that sand because he carries you through it.

Lets find a new perspective to view this world, this life that is so cruel and cold. God is warm and comforting. You can see Him when you look around you. Look at the fields of flowers that grew all by themselves. Look at the sky and how it brings rain and replenishes everything and everyone when it comes. We can't control those things, but we can't live without them. Right? Look at the food you eat. Look at the job you have. You may hate that job, but you have one! There are people that are starving and dying of thirst, yet they have more faith than some of us! Maybe it's because they have learned to lean on God and understand that He alone provides. The job that gives you such heartache, He gave to you to put food on your table. He gave to you to supply your children with what they need. Yet you hate it.

How about when we hate ourselves. We get angry too easy. We yell at our children. We are terrible housekeepers. Whatever it is, you name it, it can cause us to hate ourselves. We forget to care for ourselves and therefore care for others more than ourselves. God made you like you are for a reason. Perhaps this depression was a gift! Imagine that! When you FINALLY learn to deal with it and lean on God, you can teach someone else and give your testimony to someone else that needs to hear those words from you. The hard part is learning to lean on Him.

Lets take this journey together to learn to lean on God in order to bring us out of this mess. Through Him ALL things are possible!

"Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

The Afters - Broken Hallelujah (Official Lyric video)

Tunnels and waves

So I want to talk a little about what depression is like. I want you to imagine train tracks. Now imagine a tunnel. Depression is like being in a tunnel. The outside world doesn't matter anymore. You don't see the end and you can't imagine what it would be like to NOT be depressed anymore. Well, there is an end to the tunnel. You see blue skies. You feel good. You just want to soak it in. But guess what, there is another tunnel ahead. You will repeat this process time and time again. Some people have journeys that have no tunnels or just the occasional tunnel. For me, it is one after another. I'm not depressed about anything in particular and I couldn't tell you what got me there. But I can tell you it is hard. For those like me, you are not alone!

There may be many tunnels in our path, but God spoke to me today. No, I'm not hearing voices, but God still spoke to me. He spoke directly to my heart. Do you know what he said? "I will teach you to pray to me so I can deliver you from this affliction." There is a verse in the Bible that says "Ask and you shall receive." It breaks Gods heart that we are in pain or are struggling to enjoy life. He doesn't want that for us. But he does want us to realize that we can't do this alone. We need him and he wants us to want him. He loves us so much that even though we sin and should die for the things we have done, he sent his ONLY son to die for us so that we can be set free from Satan's grasp.

If you haven't already heard the song Oceans by Hillsong United, the words say

I will call upon your name
and keep my eyes above the waves
when oceans rise
my soul will rest in your embrace
For I am yours and you are mine

I believe this wholeheartedly. We can't keep our eyes above the waves without calling out to him. I am so very bad about saying prayers. I usually don't because I don't know what to say. But I am challenging you to pray about it. Ask God to relieve you of this affliction and to heal your mind, body and soul. He truly loves you.

1 John 4:8 says "But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God IS love." Think about this. A lot of the time, I would get depressed because I didn't feel loved. I didn't love myself and if you don't love yourself, you can't truly love others. Mark 12:31, Jesus says "The second is equally important: "Love your neighbor as yourself." No other commandment is greater than these." If you don't love yourself, you think your ugly, too overweight, not good enough....whatever it is, you are saying that what God himself created is not pretty, too overweight, not good enough. Have you ever heard or read in the Bible somewhere that God made something that wasn't perfect? No! Therefore, remember who you are and who made you. You are a son/daughter of God and saved by Jesus Christ!

This little bit of information is just as important for me to remember as it is you. I write for you but also so I will remember these words when I get down.

Lord I pray for anyone with depression who reads this. I pray that they be given grace and that you release them from this affliction of depression. Lord remind them of who they are and be with them as they go through this. I pray Lord that you make them drunk in the Spirit so they can feel the happiness you bring and what it feels like to KNOW, without a doubt, they are loved so much by you.I pray that all the bad feelings and feelings of self destruction pass and that you remind them to pray as you have instructed me to do. Be with all of us Lord and grant us blessings.

In Jesus name,
Amen!

Saved from depression

Wow! It has been a long time. I have completely disregarded writing but God has called me to write again today. What is it that God wants me to write about today? Depression. I have it. So do many many other people. Some don't realize they do, some know they do and have just accepted that their life will be hell for the rest of their lives. Some won't fight it anymore and will just give up. Wake up people! This world is in its end stages. We are depressed. So what. Lets change it.

I was listening to music as I was cleaning. If you are a depressive, you know how hard it is to be motivated enough to clean. But here I was. We go to a Bible study every Tuesday night and I spilled the beans about my depression. God has revealed to me that this is just a bump in the road, a trial he is allowing me to have so that I may lead many, maybe thousands of women, out of this oppression. At the end of the study, the genders separate and the men go in one room while the women go in another. We pray together and just have that fellowship we so eagerly wait for. This night, after I asked for prayers, all the women prayed over me. I slept so hard that night and woke up refreshed. I have a sound mind today. I am not confused. I am not broken today. Well, I am still messed up, but I am being held up today.

Like I said earlier, I was listening to music and actually cleaning. As a matter of fact, I stopped cleaning to come write this for you. Anyway, a song called Not Alone came on by Red that really came from God. Listen to these words...

Slowly fading away
You're lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold?
Looking for a distant light
Someone who could save a life
You're living in fear that no one will hear your cries
Can you save me now?

I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won't leave you
I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause you're not alone, not alone

Your heart if full of broken dreams
Just a fading memory
and everything is gone but the pain carries on
Lost in the rain again
When will it ever end?
The arms of relief seem so out of reach
But I, I am here

And I'll be your hope when you feel like it's over
And I will pick you up when your whole world shatters
And when you're finally in my arms
Look up and see that love has a face

And I will be your hope
you're not alone
and I will pick you up
and I will be your hope

Just hearing these words gives me the will to fight this. Without those prayers, without  those words being sung, I wouldn't realize something. I feel better just by hoping I am helping someone else out there with depression. So here is a word specifically from me to you.

You are not alone. You are loved and God has a hand on you. He desperately wants you to feel better and have trust in him that he will carry you through this. I want you to focus on one thing that you can do to help others. Volunteer or get counseling and take a closer look at yourself. I was asked "Do you know you are pretty." I said "No." She said "How would you feel if your child came to you and said , "Mom, I feel ugly and I hate myself."" I said "Sad." She said, "How do you think that you make your creator when you feel this way and tell yourself how unworthy and ugly you are. He made you in a special way. You are his work of art. He is proud of making you. He specially breathed life into you. How do you think it makes him feel for you to say those things about his work of art?"

Wow. Think about that. I love you and God loves you. You are not alone! Please contact me if you want to talk or just vent. I am always willing to try to help you and use scripture to remind you of who you are in Christ!

"Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes." Ephesians 1:4

Modern Day Idols

The Bible says not to worship idols. Of course, in some places today and noted a lot in the past, people made statues of gold or something really important and worshiped them. That is about the same thing as me going out to a tree and bowing down to it and thanking it for everything it does for me. In my mind, that is absolutely silly. For non-believers, of course the question would be, "what's the difference between worshiping a tree and worshiping a God you can't see?" Well, my answer would be that a tree can't fix anything for you. It is not going to love you and want the best for you. It has no power over anything!

God has shown up in my life many times. I say shown up even though he has always been there because it's when I noticed him.Two or three times now, we were so strapped financially that we couldn't find a way to buy food for our kids. Within days, a random unexpected check would come in the mail. Just about the amount for groceries. Also, I have suffered from depression for over 20 years. I was a kid, I know at least in junior high. I have been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. I had prayed to die many times. I had taken so many medications with no effect that I still get confused as to what I have tried or not tried. A couple of months ago, I again was at the bottom, but this time we are involved with a church. I asked our pastors to pray for me and I have not had depression since! That may not seem like much, but for someone who has been desperately seeking relief for a LONG time, that is huge to me! You can't say it's just in my head when it has lasted as long as it has! It just doesn't work that way. So why worship something that doesn't have thoughts or cares?

So what are some of today's idols?

I would say money is the biggest idol these days. Money is not a sin. Loving money is what the sin is. When everything you do is based on how much money you can get. You go to school to earn a degree to have a good job that will support you and your family. Where school comes in as a sin is when you choose to go to school to get a job that makes a lot of money. A lot of people don't go because it is a stable, reliable job or that they love the field. What will a million dollars do for you? It will buy you stuff that you never needed in the first place and will only lead you to wanting more. What about when you die? What happens to all that stuff? Big, expensive, fancy cars are going to be taken back because your less fortunate family can't afford them. What about when you run out of money? You don't need all that stuff. You can't take it to heaven with you. Instead of focusing on what the world sees that you have and spending all your time blowing money to impress others, focus on the bigger picture. God is real! Heaven is real! If you don't believe that, what's the harm in learning about God and Christ? I would rather be covered on earth than to die and face God and say, "Oh, you really are real." I would rather spend eternity with God than see him when I die and go to hell. Even if you don't know God or have never loved him or known him, he knows you and loves you and always will. He has put things, people, situations in your life so you can find him. Now you have to fulfill the purpose he put you on earth for.

Moses and the Parted Sea: Proof of the Lords Hand

The story of Moses parting the Red Sea:

Exodus 14:2-4,14:16-18, 14:21-25, 14:27-2:8

Exodus 14:2-4

"Tell the people to march toward Pi-hahiroth between Midgol and the sea. Camp there along the shore, opposite Baal-Zephon. Then Pharaoh will think, "Those Israelites are confused. They are trapped between the wilderness and the sea!"

 (Photo from http://www.arkdiscovery.com/red_sea_crossing.htm. Click to view their website and story)







 

"Use your shepherd's staff - hold it over the water, and a path will open up before you through the sea. Than all the people of Israel will walk through on dry ground. Yet I will harden the hearts of the Egyptians, and they will follow the Israelites into the sea. Then I will receive great glory at the expense of Pharaoh and his armies, chariots, and charioteers. When I am finished with Pharaoh and his army, all Egypt will know that I am the Lord!"

 

"Then Moses raised his hand over the sea, and the Lord opened up a path through the water with a strong east wind. The wind blew all that night, turning the seabed into dry land. So the people of Israel walked through the sea on dry ground, with walls of water on each side! Then the Egyptians - all of Pharaoh's horses, chariots and charioteers - followed them across the bottom of the sea. But early in the morning, the Lord looked down on the Egyptian army from the pillar of fire and cloud, and he threw them into confusion. Their chariot wheels began to come off, making their chariots impossible to drive..."

"So as the sun began to rise, Moses raised his hand over the sea. The water roared back into its usual place, and the Lord swept the terrified Egyptians into the surging currents. The waters covered all the chariots and charioteers - the entire army of Pharaoh. Of all the Egyptians who had chased the Israelites into the sea, not a single one survived."

(Photos from http://www.discoverynews.us/DISCOVERY%20MUSEUM/BibleLandsDisplay/Red_Sea_Chariot_Wheels/Red_Sea_Chariot_Wheels_3.html)